Compelling People: The Hidden Qualities That Make Us Influential

Every once in a while, a book comes along that has the power to really change the way I see the world and move in it. In 2012, it was  The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business  by Charles Duhigg. The year before, it was  Thinking, Fast and Slow  by Daniel Kahneman.  Compelling People: The Hidden Qualities That Make Us Influential  is that kind of book.The central premise of the book is that in any encounter, people base how they feel about you on how you project strength and warmth. Once you become aware of what your unconscious strength and warmth signals are, you can learn to modulate them to connect better with people, influence them, and just be a more effective all-around human being. From the worlds of psychology, neuroscience, acting, political science, they've compiled some of the best practices for presenting your best self to the world.Some things I like about this book:1) Neffinger and Kohut are seasoned professionals who have coached dozens of world-renowned politicians, businessmen, military leaders and speakers. When they dispense a tip -- like "hold the imaginary ball when you're speaking" -- it's a proven tip that insiders at the top of their game use. I felt like I was getting their probably very expensive one-on-one coaching at a huge discount.2) The authors draw upon the scientific literature to back up their points - no speculation here. Anecdotes are nice, but when someone cites the hard science of how and why something works, it becomes even more convincing for me. For example, I really appreciated their explanation that strength feeds off the hormone testosterone while warmth is mediated by oxytocin, and that these two hormone systems inhibit one another. So if you sometimes feel as if there's a physical conflict between displaying strength vs. warmth, it's because there is.3) They've organized the book such that it's easy to follow and implement their tips. They start by explaining what they mean by strength and warmth, and how you're broadcasting them via your gender, age and appearance ("the hand you were dealt"). Then they teach you how to convey strength and warmth more effectively depending on the context and what you'd like to accomplish ("how to play your hand").4) They illustrate their points with real-world stories - Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Hillary Clinton in the 2008 elections, US Presidents -- that bring the teachings to life, making for gripping reading and ease of implementation.Some of my favorite bits from the book:-- For a shot of strength before going into a big meeting, stand "big" for a couple of minutes, taking up a lot of space. This reduces cortisol and increases testosterone.-- Gender matters. There is a subtle art to women projecting strength and men projecting warmth without alienating their audiences.-- The five gestures that researchers have found to reduce warmth: leaning away; crossing arms; touching, rubbing or grasping hands together; and touching the face, stomach, or other parts of the body. Stop doing them!-- The flinty-eyed smile (think Clint Eastwood), or "strong smile", is a great way to project both strength and warmth.-- When giving a talk, replace fillers like "um" and "uh" with silence. So much more powerful.-- First connect, THEN lead. Once you "step inside their circle", you have much more persuasive power.In short, these are essential life skills that no one had bothered to teach us up to now. I hear the book is already mandatory reading at Harvard Business School; it *should* be required reading for all high schoolers. If you're a person at all interested in being more effective in your interactions with other humans in the realm of work, politics, romance, family life and more, then you should be reading this, too. "Compelling People" entertains and instructs in a way that can directly lead to your being a better version of yourself.-- Ali Binazir, M.D., M.Phil., author of  The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible , the highest-rated dating book on Amazon for 157 weeks

Compelling people: The Hidden Qualities That Make Us Influential exists in the rarefied air of self-help books that might actually help you. Most books of these type contain a thesis statement that you understand within the first 40 pages. The next X number of pages are the author(s) filling out their quota for his or her publisher. In a way, this is the case for Compelling People, wherein John Neffinger and Matthew Kohut articulate a simple framework for understanding people and interactions between people. The authors contend that people are governed by two qualities they term "strength" and "warmth". Strength being a person's ability to accomplish tasks and warmth being a person's ability to connect with others.Instead of padding the rest of the book out or boring this reader to tears, Neffinger & Kohut manage to build and engage on this concept. Compelling people takes you through many common social interactions and explains what is going on beneath the surface. Whether it is interviewing for a job, pursuing a love interest, or even rearing children, Compelling People will give you a context for understanding these universal and daunting experiences.This is not to say that this book is some type of parlor trick that will change your life in an instant or make you insanely wealthy upon reading it. It is merely a tool for better understanding people and hopefully yourself. The lessons of the book contain many truths that you will likely see happening in your daily life. These lessons are punctuated with interesting studies, examples using public figures, and anecdotes from the author's personal coaching sessions. As someone who tries to read to learn and grow, I can often judge a book by how often I reach for the highlight features on my e-Reader. Compelling people is a book where I highlighted early and often, which I think is the highest compliment for a book such as this.

I found this book to be well researched and well written. It builds upon the basic premise that we make instantaneous and subconscious decisions about people we meet. In the first few seconds, our brains make a quick calculation about whether a person is strong or lacking in strength, and about whether the person is warm and well-intentioned or not. As a result, we place individuals in one of four categories: strong and warm, strong and cold, weak and warm, or weak and cold. It is in this first category - the rare combination of strength and warmth - that we find people who are charismatic influencers. People like Oprah Winfrey or Bill Clinton.The book is full of reports from recent research, as well as anecdotes about how we evaluate others, and how we can best present ourselves so that others will evaluate us in the best possible light. The proof of the pudding is that since reading this book, I find myself consciously checking the strength/warmth equation of people I meet, as well as monitoring whether I am intentionally giving off signals of strength and warmth.I found the book to be intellectually provocative, and a practical guide to how to be perceived as a person of influence. It would be a valuable addition to the library of anyone who is a leader or who aspires to a leadership role.

This book classifies people using 2 characteristics strength and warmth along with their combinations. Its mostly an effort to decipher body languages through various gestures. I found it entertaining, but coding peoples who were divided by thousands of contrasting cultures and civilization through a common yardstick would needs further clarity. Also, arriving at a conclusion basis a single independent gestures may not be accurate always.

Interesting read

Still reading it. A must buy if you want to be a good communicator.

Good

Les auteurs expliquent comment nous pouvons davantage tirer parti des signaux non verbaux que nous envoyons à nos interlocuteurs : il s'agit de travailler sur ces deux axes que sont la force (qui est la base du respect) et la chaleur (qui nourrit l'affection). Les leaders les plus charismatiques savent équilibrer leur gestuelle pour jouer sur ces deux registres.